Your old-fashioned basketball bracket is kind of like an interrupt-ed orgasm:It starts out really great and you think you’re almost there, and then, just like that, you’re not. That is probably due to the fact that the chance of picking a perfect bracket is 1 in 2.4 trillion, according to Duke math professor Jonathan Mattingly. Instead, we have devised a sex bracket that could guarantee you that W, or, rather, that O.
Let everyone else’s March Madness suffer some major upsets while you and your teammate get to that one shining moment together. Its fun, easy, and it wont invite trash talk from your coworkers. And you can get in on the action of picking a winning move.
We’ve paired off the first round of positions. Try them out then vote for your favorite position in each face-off. Come back next week to see who made it as we fill in our complete bracket below and vote in the next round until we’ve crowned the ultimate sex move.
Its time for tip-off. Most of these positions work great for players on the same team, too!
Round 1, Game 1
THE BOX OUT: Lean back against a wall with your legs away from your body and open. Your partner, back to you, should lean forward, hands on thighs. Grab their waist and move back and forth.
THE WRAPAROUND: Standing, or perched on the end of a table, have your teammate loop their arms around your neck and wrap their legs around your waist. Hold them up from under their butt.
Round 1, Game 2
THE POST UP: Both standing and facing each other, pin your partner against a wall. With one hand, hold one of their arms over their head. Hold their opposite leg by your side for better access.
THE FULL-COURT PRESS: Sit on the floor, knees bent, feet planted, hands behind you. Your partner sits on top, facing you. Press your butts up into a bridge, then dip up and down to the rhythm of a dribble.
Round 1, Game 3
THE THREE-MAN WEAVE: Lie on your side facing your partner while they are on their back. Weave your legs around their near leg and drape their far leg over your hips. The third player? The small forward: a vibrator.
FAST BREAK: Start with them on top. Have your partner lean forward so their face is near your neck. Using your hands for support, move your hips up and down as fast as you can. Score.
Round 1, Game 4
THE UP-AND-UNDER: Your partner lies on their stomach, resting on forearms, back arched. You lie on top, hands outside their shoulders and your legs between theirs. Thrust in an upward motion.
THE DOUBLE SCREEN: Lie in a classic spooning position. This time, gently lay your top leg over their hips, planting your foot on the bed. This gives you balance to set the screen (aka deeper penetration).
Round 1, Game 5
THE HALFTIME: With your partner on their back, flip their legs over their head as far back as is comfortable. Kneel in front and press your chest against their thighs.
THE SPLIT CUT: Have your partner lie on their back, legs open. Sit on your knees in front, your legs wide in a V shape. Hold their ankles apart for a deep feel. Let go of an ankle to play with their clitoris.
Round 1, Game 6
THE BALL HANDLER: Lie on your back, knees bent, legs apart. Your partner will sit on top of you, both legs bent and feet flat on the bed (like a frog). Have them reach behind and massage your testicles.
THE CROSSOVER: Kneel on the bed facing your partner. Your partner, lying on their back with a pillow under their butt, puts both legs over your right shoulder (right leg crossed over left).
Round 1, Game 7
THE DOUBLE DRIBBLE: Aka: mutual masturbation. Start kissing while you touch each others Midwest regions; consider this your warm-up.
THE BUZZER BEATER: Set a timer for a 20-minute half and take turns performing oral on each other, making sure you both finish before the clock runs out. Eyes on the prize.
Round 1, Game 8
THE PICK AND ROLL: From missionary, while still inside your partner, scoop your hands under their back and bring their chest close, and roll over so they are on top.
THE CARRY: Sit against a wall, legs outstretched. Cradle your partner in your lap, their arms planted behind them and feet on the ground. With an arm under their thighs, move them up and down.